Thursday, September 25, 2014

Self Reflected Suicide

Screams in the mirror
Echo this empty shell
Thrown fists
Trickle blood
Pounded in reflections
Of ghosts in the night
Whispering fragmented
Thoughts that stray
With choices in hand
Of final decisions
Always hiding away
Behind closed doors
So they don't hear
The signs of warning
That call
Only to you
In dreams you've seen
Where you indulge
In the fruit
Of a most selfish act

One of my most favorite poems, tweaked of course, but I'm always writing and rewriting.

Devon A

#poetry, #suicide, #goodenough, #prose, #selfhate

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

2 weeks in, the beginner vegetarian

I did not become a vegetarian for my health...
Yes I'm fat... My whole life seems to have been defined by the consumption choices I have made.
I was a skinny kid
I was an overweight kid
I was an obese teen
I was a skinny teen
I was an overweight teen
I was a skinny adult
I was an overweight adult
I was a skinny adult
I was an obese adult
And now...
I am... Trying

But even in the word trying I find vast flaws of "maybe just one," or I'll start Monday.
It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized that when Monday came, Tuesday wasn't so far behind.
How bad could starting on Tuesday be?  Well once Tuesday is over, you're closer to next Monday, and thus begins the cycle.

So... I started on a Wednesday.

This was no ordinary "Monday" start, as I knew this had been building up for some time now.
I decided to become a vegetarian not only because of my constant flux with weight gain and loss; but more because it is the right thing to do.
I've worked for whole foods market for 4 years now, and in that time I have been seriously educated of animal welfare and safety.
But... Even those farms that practice humane, and ethical standards still make us city boys cringe a little when we learn where are meat comes from.
Besides, in an industry where all the windows are closed, one can only imagine the sights one would see once seeing the transparency of humane killing.

"If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian."

Am I trying to preach and convert you?
No... Well yes, but no...

I do however have a movie set if anyone is interested, they are good documentaries and all available on netflix.

Food inc.
Hungry for change
Fat, sick and nearly dead

And not on netflix (too new)
Fed up, available to rent on iTunes or wherever you rent your movies.

Stay tuned for more about my journey, my juicing for over a week experience, my first meal after juicing and the story titled where to go from here.

Thanks for reading

Devon A

#vegetarian, #life changer, #new beginnings, #wholefoods, #eatmoregreens

Sunday, September 14, 2014

This is what I am, if even I am anything at all.

Sometimes, someone hurts you so bad
It stops hurting at all
Until something makes you feel again
Then it all comes back;
Every word,
Every hurt,
Every moment.

How could you ever understand where I come from?
Even if you ask,
Even if you listen,
You do not really hear or see or feel. You don’t remember my story.
You haven’t walked my path.
You haven’t seen what I've seen.

My past defines me.
This is who I am.
I am unseen, unheard, unwanted. That is what I am, If even I am anything.

I think everyone should see this video.  Sometimes I claim that I have lost that empathy for people, as I sit quietly judging the soft reality around me.  Then I saw this and realized it's not lost... Never was.  It's just more guarded for those who deserve it.
I was never a foster child, in a sense, but this story can help those who have come from a bad situation be understood by everyone else.
#abuse, #violence, #empathy, #foster care, #amazing poetry

Introduction to the blogger world

I'm standing in the middle of the alleyway, watching the rain stream by the glow of the light post above me as I brought my hands slowly to my face. I dropped my head and looked as each drop trickled down the bangs of my matted hair. Suddenly my knees begun to fail and finally, to the overpowering weakness of it all, I collapsed to the hard concrete.

As I laid there I took one hand and clutched my stomach; harder and harder I pressed trying expel the pain. My breathing deepened; long wheezing gasps followed by muffled moans escaping from the depths of this growing pain. Above me, the street light flickered till was out. The rain poured harder and I could barely keep myself. It went on... I went on like this.

Without resistance, my body gave way. My free hand broke my fall, but only for a moment as my face slammed against the ground. I let out one final scream, violently pleading for something... Anything... Knowing it would be to avail as the thunder cracked, drowning out whatever I had left in my pressing lungs. The winds began to pick up and I could no longer see but inches in front of me. The rain came down harder, and like sharp little icicles, I could feel my face being bitten away with each howling blast. As I lay motionless in the street, known only to be alive by the sharp infrequent breaths my body struggled to take. I felt a cold chill run through my body. Listening closely, I could hear a whisper in the darkness, calling to me.
"I can help you."
Said the voice in a most malevolent tongue. Looking up from the ground, I could see a figure standing in the darkness, inching closer and closer to my defeated and trembling body.

In my ear, the figure whispered, "I can make the pain alllll go away.... If you just take my hand."
I began to scream once again as I tightly clenched my fists and brought myself back to my knees. The thunder cracked again, streaking over us as I looked away from the figure in defiance. I kept a disdainful look knowing all too well that I had no other choice. I threw my hand in the air to meet his in the most reckless fashion and immediately felt the presence that had been suppressed inside of me for so long creep into what was left of my wilted self. Like being reborn, I stood and watched as the shade ran from my fingers, and spread through my body until I was cloaked entirely in this shroud of darkness.... until I was no more.

This blog will be about life. My life, your life, and intersections of all life. Topics will include #depression, #writing,  #vegetarian lifestyle, #addiction, #weight loss, #human connection, #happiness, and #sadness
Hope you enjoy reading, I will try for 5 posts a week.
Devon A